Ambiguous Loss
Hi,
This week’s email is about a particularly painful type of personal loss.
The information here comes from a research article on the topic (open-access).
Here are the key practical points you should know:
An ambiguous loss occurs when someone loses connection with a loved one in a way that feels unclear and lacks resolution.
The person who was lost might be physically absent, as in the case of someone who disappeared, moved away, or cut off contact.
The person who was lost can also be physically present but psychologically absent, as in the case of someone with a serious illness or addiction.
Because ambiguous loss has no resolution, it can prolong grief—sometimes indefinitely—and raise painful questions like “Am I still in a relationship if my spouse has been gone for years?” or “Am I still the child if I’m taking care of a parent who no longer recognizes me?”.
To cope with ambiguous loss, it helps to acknowledge it for what it is, use both-and thinking (e.g., “I’m both my parent’s child and their caretaker”), and use additional techniques (e.g., accepting what you can’t control and focusing on what you can control instead).
I know that this can be incredibly painful to discuss, but that’s part of what makes it such an important topic. If it’s relevant to you, then I genuinely hope that it will help you find peace, even if only a little.
As always, I'm happy to hear your thoughts.
Have a great week,
Itamar